Firewalker (1986)

Firewalker (1986)The posts have stopped. The writer is sick but before you rechoice I am already pulling through and actually am getting better! So I am afraid there will be more uncanny reviews and babblings come March.

For a start you can check out my DVD review on Mr. Roundhouse Kick also known as Chuck “Firewalker” Norris over at eyecravedvd.com.

Save your strength, you will need it.

The “story” of this movie is already contained on the back cover so I will just fill in the pieces I found noteworthy of mentioning. Along with Max and Leo (Norris and Gosset) we have Patricia Goodwyn (Flash Gordon’s Melody Anderson), the treasure hunting team who go to Southern America to get the Aztec gold hidden in a temple (of doom) with lots of crappy plaster walls and Goonies-like wannabe-traps.


Not only do we have the Arab maniacs (we will astoundingly come full circle in the end on them) but also the good and the bad Indian, the former protecting the “fruitcake” Patricia with a tiny sack of “dust, bones and magic” (which was translated into German as “compressed and dried crumb poop” … of the explosive kind) and the latter wanting to absorb the power of the Firewalker by either following them passively or trying to hinder them to get to their destination (just for a bit of roundhouse R&R).

Let’s not forget the natives who tend to get in the way too every now and then and have to capture our team for a little detour. It’s obligatory, really. And who better to the rescue than John Rhys-Davies as “Leader of the pack”, coincidentally an old buddy of Max and Leo and also the boss of the village. To top the absurdity everyone is prepping for a party and it lasts all night! No roundhouse kicks.

Morning has broken, and a beetle is waiting, one with balloons tied to it. Absurdity knows no limits and so our team of adventurers once again escapes the clutches of danger and peril and are sent on in a VW Beetle to drive to the Aztec temple to get the gold and be on their way. How quaint that Patricia has a camera with her, so she can take snapshots of all the beautiful fake sets while holding the camera so that the wrist band is dangling in front of the lens. They arrive at the temple finally (after sinking or “parking” the Beetle in the local river), who would have thought.

And so it happens, except for a short intermission with the evil Indian guy getting some roundhouse kicks to his face. Chuck is the man. No questions asked.

And they lived happily ever after… wait! What about the mad Arab-Chinese guy? Yes, they meet again. Luckily, this happens off film.

2/10

2 thoughts on “Firewalker (1986)

  1. Well! Remember when you get roundhouse kicked by Chuck you will orbit the earth for quite a long time before you settle down on your comfy chair again.

    I am back in the saddle now. Chuck is gone.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s